……down, down, down through time and space…reality has taken a back seat and you know you’re not falling but your senses tell you you are. Stomach feels as if you’re on a big dipper ride with  stars, comets, planets passing by while you are attracted to the black hole that is your life. You want to stop and rest but you know you are destined to become the stardust you started from…atoms of carbon in an unending universe, plunging down but frightened of the blackness beneath but not wanting to face the life you are leading that is above. SO LOW….things piling up…constantly rearranging and interrupting the schedule that I call my life to account for the sheer laziness, exhaustion and misery of looking out at the world while encased in ice that is my depression.Vivid dreams in the night but can’t remember what they were…falling I suppose…..the sensation stopped a few hours ago but I feel disturbed and restless and close to tears now as I face the fact that it’s 15-11 and I’m still not washed or dressed….did make lunch and have a chat with DH and will probably make tea later…..yes, I still need to comfort eat but DH needs to be fed and watered as he is my strength and rock. Need to go and sleep until tea time….it’s not acceptable to take a walk round the block in filthy, stinking dressing gown and pink pyjamas….excuses, excuses. Ah well, excuse me while I go and live my excuse of a life and try to recoup some dignity…….

Author: irenefitz

Retired teacher and silver surfer. x

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