Blow, blow thou Winter wind….

It’s been very gusty and windy all night and all day, as I sit down at my lp having just had bath, hair wash and consigned my ppjs to the laundry basket. A friend on twitter remarked that she’d been awake all night and would the wind please go away….DH and I had slept like logs all night…I tweeted back to say that I still felt like a log! Which is the feeling most days no matter how long I sleep but now it’s 16:28 and beginning to go dark again and I feel as though I can’t keep up with anything….even time!!!! I’ve just done what would be normal activities at the beginning of the day but that SEEM quite simple but ARE very exhausting… there’s only a few hours left to get things done and relax.

I KNOW I have all these chores and activities to do but the thought of them just keeps rolling round in my head like a parchment scroll until my brain is dizzy….which shall I prioritize, which shall I leave to another day, would DH mind if we just ate crisps and roast ham straight from the packets so that I don’t have to cook? We are going to visit my daughter (DD), son-in-law (SiL) and grandson (GS) because it is their 1st Wedding Anniversary tomorrow and there are things I need to take like a card and a present and something to eat, but as the time gets nearer I seem to be more incapable of doing anything! It happens every time…Christmas, holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, outings….something has to be dropped or cancelled because of my state of indecision! It used to happen when I was preparing my lessons for teaching….I’d download so many resources that I couldn’t decide which to use and ended up choosing the least common denominator. I knew my students deserved better than this, so one night I made an impulse purchase of over £100 worth of books to try to ‘improve’ myself! I’m still doing that a little bit, but now it’s usually something that I can do at my own pace like art and scrapbooking classes and a goddess circle! Needless to say, by the end of that week I was paralysed with indecision and had to take sick dear mother had also died a couple of weeks before that. That day was my last teaching day and I was costing the school too much money in sick pay so they applied for my medical dismissal…horrible meetings with the Head and personnel officer and my union rep. Well, I was dismissed about six months later but luckily managed to get ill-health retirement. They wanted me to resign and take an actuarially reduced pension but I refused so they just had to go ahead with the dismissal procedure. After thirty-four years at the school, I had to make do with a short thank you letter and a warning that I must not visit the school again unless invited. I was so cut off from my colleagues radar, that they hadn’t even told me that two of my colleagues who were also long-term members of the staff were suffering from cancer! Shame swept over me as I felt guilty and partly responsible for the pain that the staff had to go through! I attended an appointment at the hospital with my psychologist and ended up being admitted to the MHU because I had threatened to cut myself, I was in such a dark place…. Oh dear, I must leave the story there now as tears are beginning to flow……

Well, what about the here and now? I do manage to go shopping most weeks, so there’s a curry sauce, chicken, some rice, naan bread and mango chutney ready to cook and the ham can be made into sandwiches for tomorrow and I’ll take the crisps as well!  DH will be relieved about that but not when he asks about his trousers that need mending and ironing…they’re still in the HUGE pile of ironing here on the bed! I could do those after tea while watching TV and I’ve already chosen the card, embellishments and design for the anniversary card, so that is easily done later. Even though its five years since I retired, I still feel my moods very harshly at times, although at last I seem to be able to manage most days.

I’m frightened of dogs too….especially black ones!

Author: irenefitz

Retired teacher and silver surfer. x

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